Letters From Israel

[Rachel called. She has been making the rounds of the children and grandchildren, and enjoying herself enormously. "Come and get me!"

I had been hoping for a few more days. "The rockets are falling like crazy (just at that moment, a siren and several large explosions). Did you hear it?"

"I don't care. Enough is enough. I want to go home. Come and get me!"

On the way home she said "We have to go to the building site first. There are a few things to be taken care of."

Did it bother me that the building site was a full ninety minutes out of the way? Or that I tried to listen to Brahms' First while Rachel chattered on? Or that Brahms and Rachel were overridden every few minutes by "Red Alert! X or Y or Z under attack."?

But Merciful G-d took pity on Chicken-Heart and we found the site in turmoil. Most of the workers are Druse, and just that morning their villages in Upper Galilee and the Golan Heights had been rocketed from Lebanonand their families were in a panic and demanded they return home. So they were running home. So we continued home.

Minutes after arriving home Rachel went in for a shower. A siren, and three very large explosions.

"Welcome home" I said.

"What's for lunch?" she said.]

BACK  TO  A.  B.  NORMAL  by  Moshe Chicken-Heart

"Cluck, cluck, cluck, Chicken-Heart" wrote a good friend. "You had the nerve to tell us what you would do to the bad guys. But you didn't have the nerve to tell us who the bad guys are. Cluck, cluck."

Sorry I have to repeat myself:  Israel is a democracy. If you have opinions more or less synchronized with those who control the media, the justice system, the movers and shapers of academia, your freedom of speech is indeed protected. If, however, your opinions are different… for the sake of argument, say you are believed-to-be religious, racist, fascist, right-wing, settler, fanatic, etc, you have a problem. You are clearly anti-democratic. And if you are anti-democratic, why should you be allowed to use the freedoms protected by our democratic system, to undermine that system?

So, Clucky, were I to reveal the identities of those I wanted to drown in the feces-filled toilet bowl, I would certainly be arrested and prosecuted for insulting a public official, at best, and incitement to murder, at worst.

Even an attempt to disguise my target – say, I wrote Lickey Louse instead of Mickey Mouse – would offer little or no protection. 

Still, to satisfy your childish needs and the needs of others like you, I will give you three TOTALLY FICTITIOUS characters who CANNOT BE MISTAKEN FOR ANYONE LIVING OR DEAD.

First, Boozy Woozy. Boozy is a midget, and the leader of the opposition in Tiny Town, as seen in the epic film TERROR OF TINY TOWN. Boozy may also be a liar, or a moron, or a moronic liar. But he certainly is a midget.

Second, Chubby Robbins. Chubby is obsessed with ice cream, and convinced that if he can shovel enough ice cream into those determined to kill us, all will be well.

Third, Simian Putz. Simian is living proof – unless he's a zombie – of the power of evil to keep one alive. So old that we've run out of numbers, he believes that the world must conform to his view of it. And if it fails to conform, better it should cease to exist.

Okay?

[A new cease fire. Our so-called leaders have totally surrendered and are, naturally, declaring victory. And our media collaborators are flooding the airways  with IAI – Idiotic Apologists for Islam, explaining that our enemies don't really and truly want to kill us. May He have mercy on us.]