Advising Iraq

ADVISING IRAQ
Written by Dr. Jack Wheeler
Thursday, 08 June 2006

A buddy of mine came over to my place tonight to celebrate the take-out of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. He's on his way to Baghdad to be an advisor to Iraq's Prime Minister Nouri al-Malaki. "What advice do you think I should give him, Jack?" he asked me over too much Famous Grouse Scotch. Here's what I told him:

"Well, the very first thing he should do is hang Saddam. Get the trial over with tomorrow, take Saddam and every one of his cronies on trial out into the bright Baghdad sunshine and publicly hang the bastards on world-wide television. Then burn the bodies and scatter the ashes to the winds so there's no burial site for his followers. That'll be it for the Baathists.

"Then either shoot Mookie or arrange for his disappearance - Muqtada al-Sadr, the little Shia fascist who runs Iraq's biggest and most murderous private army, financed by Iran. Get rid of him, period, whatever it takes, no dicking around. Then you can start disarming the other private armies.

"Now start ridiculing the insurgents - make fun of them. Kick them below the psychological belt, laugh at them because Zarqawi got his derriere blown off. They've begun, for example, killing vendors for selling ice in Baghdad, because there was no ice in Mohammed's day and it's therefore "un-Islamic." I am not making this up - that's how desperate these jokers are getting.

"So al-Malaki holds a press conference to demand that insurgents destroy their Kalashnikovs because there were no automatic weapons in Mohammed's day. Kalshnikovs are obviously un-Islamic - as are cell phones, computers, cars, bicycles, anything that uses electricity, anything modern whatsoever. Turn them into jokes, losers, pathetic subhuman bozos in the eyes of Iraqis. If there's one thing Islamist crazies can't handle, it's humiliation from their own people.

"Next, announce there will be No Sharia in Iraq. Iraq will always be a predominantly Moslem country and that must be respected. But the Koran says there must be "no compulsion is religion" - Sura 2:256. Iraq must not and will not be a theocracy, but a democracy. Every Iraqi must be allowed to interpret God in his own way. There are many varieties of Islam - Sunni, Shia, Sufi, and others. No one interpretation of Moslem Law - Sharia - must be imposed upon them.

"Lastly, go after Iran. Hire private military services - you know who the best ones are - to go after Iranian Navy speedboats sabotaging traffic on the Shatt al-Arab waterway between Basra and the Persian gulf. Give assistance to the secessionist movement to the Shia Arabs in Iranian Khuzestan, with the message that they'd be welcome to join Iraq. Do the same with Iranian Kurds. Tell Ahmadinutjob you're going after him and his regime until he stops any and all help for the insurgency in Iraq.

"This all will best enable al-Malaki to use the momentum of Zarqawi's take-out. The situation is Byzantine complex and you will always be in a labyrinth of difficulties. But do these five easy pieces right off the bat and dramatic improvement will follow.

"Oh, yes, one other thing. Have al-Malaki stand up for the honor and integrity of the United States Marines and denounce the attempt of the anti-Iraq US media to smear the Marines over Haditha. He should inform journalists they deserve no respect when they take the side of terrorists."

One last toast to Abu Musab's demise, and now he's off to Baghdad. Let's wish him Godspeed and good luck.